Uncategorized

Secrets out

​As of today, all my good friends already know the existence of this blog and frankly, it feels a bit weird. I have been hiding this for the longest time possible but I guess at some point, they will have to know about this shitty blog anyway. At least I would not seeing them any time soon so I still have time to hide and get over the embarassment I am feeling right now.

The thing about blogging is that while I am fully aware that the content of this blog is for the world to see, when I know that people I personally know read everything in here, I feel as if they are looking at me bare and naked: stripped of all layers of walls and distances that I build up from people around me, exposed to their criticism and judgment.

It scares me, really. Because in this blog I have been nothing less than honest and I have written about so many things I would normally keep hidden and unsaid during conversations – even after few bottles of beer. It is like exposing a different version of myself, the one which my good friends may dislike or hate and the one I feel uneasy exposing – and the last thing I want is for people who I hold dear to realize through this blog that they do not wish to be friends with the kind of Tanya in this blog. It becomes a different story altogether when it comes to acceptance or opinion of people who matter to me.

I guess the upside to this is that I no longer have anything to hide from them, right? Therefore, my friends who will keep up with my bullshit after seeing all the drama that this blog hold are indeed people to keep. Ganun nalang.

P.S. shoutout to John who mentioned that I only talked of him once and referred to him as the generic ‘friend‘. You dear will get your cheesy birthday greeting whether you like it or not, don’t worry. I just need to earn a photo with you na wala tayo ni isa, oddly.

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Friends, Law school

To our baby girl

“Maghanap ka naman ng babaeng kaibigan, di yung puro kami lang.”

This is what my good friend told me one time when we were talking about my enrollment in law school a year ago while sitting under a shade in Sunken Garden. To be honest, the fact that I get along with boys better than I did with girls never bothered me before. Friendship with girls can be complicated and tiresome so I distanced myself as much as possible from them save for very few ones who were not bothered by how unwilling I am to stand the usual drama necessarily included in female friendship. But then it hit me that if I were to change things, law school would be the perfect place to start since no one would really know how boyish I am.

Then commenced my goal of earning myself girl friends.

When I first met Yvette during our law school orientation, I never really expected us to grow close because of how different our personalities are. My first impression of her was that she was the typical RK burgeoisie in the films that I saw and books I have read: all-girls school graduate, holding a starbucks frappe, using expressions like “omg” with the accompanying sleek hand gestures and cute shrieks. In fact during the course of our conversation that day she asked me what school I graduated from so I told her I came from UP and she said: “Omg UP ka pala?! So ikaw yung nag-ra-rally ganun” whilst gesturing what looked like a ‘welga’ pose with arms raised.

I took it then as a sign that my quest for finding myself girl friends is going to be tough if not altogether impossible.

More than a year later, Yvette proved me wrong. Far from the brat I first thought she was, she turned out to be one of the most passionate, honest and goal-driven girl I have ever met. Sure she complains a lot about her figure, a bit obsessed with Korean dramas and reality shows, and has an odd dislike for circles and shawarmas – but beyond all that is a dedicated person who is just as sure as heck about wanting to become a lawyer as I am.

As she celebrates her birthday today, I wish her nothing less than the desires of her heart. I am so thankful to have met someone who constantly pressures me to do better at school because of how beastmode this girl can go, someone who keeps me updated with all the showbiz chismis which I am often so dumb about and someone who can keep up with my fascination for serious conversations and love for literature.

Thank you so much for the close to two years of bully-bullied, passive-aggressive, batterer-battered friendship, Yvette! You are a blessing to anyone you happen to come across with in your life and as much as how hard you deny this, I am pretty sure someone will come to like you just the way you are. Do not take this as a sign that I am giving up on dreaming that you and J end up together though – that is not going to happen.

In behalf of the REIDers, we wish you a happy 21st birthday soon-to-be Atty. Yvette Zaide Soberano! I wanted to write something better for your special day but I am about to leave for the airport and I want to finish this now before I end up getting busy and forget posting this altogether so this will do – let me make up instead by greeting you on every platform possible, as per instructions *wink*

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Holidays

Happy holidays!

I am leaving the city this Sunday for the holidays and I cannot be more than happy to spend time with my family, especially my younger siblings, after months of not seeing them. Having attended a school far from home as early as college, homesickness was something I definitely had to get used to. I would not say that I perfected the craft of not sobbing and wanting to run back home during the low points of my life but I can definitely say that I made the right choice of stepping out of my comfort zone and attending a school miles away from home.

So yes, I might get a little bit lazy with uploading content on this blog for the next couple of days due to our shitty internet connection at home but I promise to still keep writing on my phone and just update this blog as soon as I can – thanks to this WordPress feature where I can tweak with the publish dates of my posts.

Happy holidays to you and may this Christmas season bring you wonderful memories of you and your loved ones!

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Love

Inconsistency

​Funny how your memory starts to play tricks on you after some time apart.

You remember hating how he treated you before, how he took away his hands everytime you wanted to feel his warmth, how he pushed you on the side of the road when he got annoyed, how he changed from being the guy who wrote poems for you to the guy who would not even look at you when he plays his stupid games unless he needs something.

Some time apart and all of a sudden he sends you lengthy messages of how much he misses you, how he is willing to wait and change to make things work, how supportive he is about you chasing after your goals; some time apart and all of a sudden he volunteers to make notes for your subjects, ask you out for a movie on a proper date and offers to take you home to make sure you are safe.

You know what terrifies me the most? It’s how you are starting to fall for the same tricks over again as if you haven’t had enough.

Honey, how many times will you have to check whether he has changed for good? How many times will you let him come back to your life only to mess it up once the fire sets low and you two are back at being this stagnant, dreary lovebirds?

Let me tell you this: the moment you begin to question whether it was your fault why he mistreated you before or if it was your fault why you two never worked out your differences, is the moment you fall back into the same cycle you already have long gotten out of. Sure you may not be the perfect girlfriend and you had your fair share of madness but that does not mean that you should settle and accept things that deep in your heart you know you hate.

Stop regretting the decisions you made for yourself just because you miss feeling something. Stop doubting the sets of facts because in this world full of relativists, the only absolute truth you need to get hold of is that you deserve to be treated better and there is no excuse for the mistakes he did.

Maybe he loves you, maybe he did change, but are you willing to risk it all again for that slim chance? You are fine now, remember that.

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Uncategorized

Sick day

​Two hours before the day ends and I have not yet uploaded a content on this blog so please let me apologize in advance if this turns out poorly written and obviously crammed. I did not expect that posting daily would be this difficult but I still want to keep my promise.

I got the flu last night which means that I spent the day in bed trying to regain some strength and be better. Getting sick is the last thing I wanted right now, considering that classes have already started and I know that professors will be assigning loads of cases to be read in the following days. Even the struggle to get up right now is already painful for me so how am I supposed to get up and prepare for tomorrow? Luckily, none of our professors showed up to class yet – so the chances of my other professors attending classes are getting slimmer and slimmer each day.

I hope I am right on this one because aside from the flu, it really is a struggle to get in the zone and start working on all these assigned cases and books during December when the thought of Christmas and going home to the province are all I think about. I am leaving this Sunday so I still have few days to get all the materials I need to bring home – not on my own volition, may I add – and say goodbye to my sister who will not be coming home this year.

I am cutting this entry short. My eyes are shutting off and it almost is midnight anyway. At least I managed to continue with this daily blogging. High five!

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Poetry

A little appreciation for poetry

An organization in school is holding an open mic event tonight somewhere in Quezon City and two of my closest friends who are part of this org were pushing me to buy tickets and watch the affair. I really wanted to go but it’s difficult to set aside some money – even for the love of spoken word poetry – when you just finished paying school fees and you know that you’ll have to buy books in the days to come. While I don’t share a cent over these expenses, my conscience tells me that I should at least try not to keep asking money from my benefactors (i.e. parents) so I guess Youtube will do for now.

Perhaps it is safe to say that while poetry and I go way back in elementary, I was never really good at writing it much less performing it on stage. But I learned one good lesson in life through poetry and for the lack of better idea on what to write about today – I thought why not share it instead.

Those who personally know me may remember that I transferred from Pasig to Eastern Samar during the latter half of my third grade in elementary school. As expected from a small, far-flung elementary school, and I am in no way being condescending here, they expected so much from this new-in-town/city-raised kid. They threw me into different contests, mostly English and Sciences with Mathematics out of the question, and one of which was a poetry writing contest which I happily joined. Bibo kid, I know. Pagbigyan nyo na. bata eh. Haha.

It was around this time of the year as well so the theme of the poem we were asked to write was obviously about Christmas. I remember coming unprepared because I was not supposed to be the one joining the contest but I came through and won first prize. It was a proud moment for me having defeated the other kids who apparently already memorized the pieces they were to submit to the judges. In other words, they cheated but I somehow still managed to win.

But that was only the pre-division level.

Came in the qualifying rounds for the regional level, I ended up submitting only half the length of stanzas that we were supposed to comply with. I was frustrated and ended up crying because I really wanted to win the contest so bad and I felt that my first piece was a call for me into poetry but boy, was I wrong. After the contest, a teacher from the school I was attending at approached me and my coach who was another teacher at the same school, and said: “Kunta gin-utro nala ni Tanya an iya una nga ginpasa, bangin nagdaog pa hiya” [Tanya should have submitted the first piece that she wrote, maybe she would have won if she did]. They wanted me to cheat my way into winning just as how the other kids wanted to as well during the first rounds. I was astonished.

Long story short, as a kid I thought that not submitting the same piece which won me through the pre-division level was a huge mistake on my part. Growing up gave me opportunities to contemplate about this event though and of course the lesson that this sad story should leave to anyone is that a win is never truly a win if you cheated your way to it. It sounds simple – basic, as the millenials would say – until you find yourself caught at the same situation or something quite similar. I still suck at writing poetry today but it’s not something that frustrates me because I was able to keep the respect over the craft which might not have existed if I took the advice of that teacher and cheated every time an opportunity to do so comes. Hats off to all the poets in the world!

Also sharing links to some of my favorite spoken word performances/videos:

P.S. Last night my friends and I went to Beech for a couple of drinks because none of our professors showed up again for what was supposed to be the second day of this semester.  It always is refreshing to spend time with them over few bottles of beers (and nachos) because of how spontaneous topics can be – like we talked about semen, ovaries and menstrual periods at some point, as if we weren’t in the middle of a crowded bar on a Friday night, and then shifted to that dreary chat about exams, grades and our common fear of not making the cut. I know that this has nothing to do with everything that I wrote about today but I just want to write about last night a little to remind myself in the future how fortunate I am to have met such good people who make law school tolerable. Okay, enough feels for today.

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Controversial topic

Controversial talks: girl-boy friendship

7_male_friends

I want to mention first how uncomfortable I am with using ‘girl’ and ‘boy’ on the title of this blog because I obviously will be talking about grown-ups here – since only adults make relatively simple things such as friendship so complicated. Using ‘woman’ and ‘man’ equally feels wrong though and so does ‘female’ and ‘male’ hence, the choice of words. Am I the only one uncomfortable with these terms?

Sorry that was a really lame introduction.

I have been thinking about ways to keep this blog alive for the past few days now. I was watching Claire’s vlogmas on Youtube earlier though and she mentioned about how she will be posting one vlog per day during the entire holiday season to ease her way back into vlogging. While I am nine days too late to start a blogmas, I thought that I could still use Claire’s technique and promise to write something each day until the end of the month. Hence the birth of a segment in this blog: controversial talks. I am in no way going to research thoroughly for each topic nor will I support my position with research and empirical data – coffee as always, along with personal experiences, will guide me through all my answers.

Okay. Game.

In my opinion, girls and guys can be friends and be very close with each other without wanting to sleep with them or without having any other hidden agenda than just friendship.

A lot of people think that if a girl hangs out with a guy, there definitely is something going on between the two of them sexually or at least, romantically. This I can attest to – being close with so many guys as early as high school up until now. In high school it even came to a point when there were rumors about me and my male friends, either revolving around I being a lesbian or I dating one of them. None of them were true but it definitely made me conscious about how I act around people of the opposite sex just so the rumors will stop. Sometimes, their girlfriends end up disliking me as well, which just added up to the reasons why I tried to hang out with the guys less and establish friendship with the same sex instead.

The problem with that line of thinking though is that it reduces people into some sex-driven and romantic relationship-seeking individuals who I believe we are far from. While perhaps the ‘end goal’ of an adult life is to marry someone and have a family, I don’t think that it is enough to presume that every individual is interested in hooking up or falling in love with someone they get along with just because she or he happened to be a female or male. Nor is it sensitive to assume that we befriend people for their bodies – that’s just barbaric.

I treat my guy friends the same way as I would treat girls: if they need someone to talk to or if they are too embarrassed to talk about relationships and love with their own friends, I am always willing to listen; if they ask me out for food or need someone to accompany them wherever, I will gladly come; if they want to chat about anything this universe has to offer, I will be more than willing to spend hours over Messenger with you if it happens to interest me as well. The bottom line is, all these guidelines, to put it lightly, on the way we should interact with the opposite sex are just constructs that our culture and society imposes upon us and in no way should we allow it to dictate the way we want to treat our friends.

One might ask: what if the guy actually likes you? Or what if he is attracted to you physically? This is where intuition should kick in. I know that I may have come across naive and idealistic with everything that I wrote above but the thing is, I am not unaware of the fact that this universe do have a lot of jerks who befriend girls so they can sleep with them at some point (my friends in law school taught me that these guys are generally referred to as fuckboys or fuccbois, and the term apparently does exist). I guess that it always comes down to your senses as it is easy to distinguish a player and one who offers genuine friendship. I say avoid the former and keep the latter but if you want to play as well then by all means do, that’s your choice. And if in case the guy likes you romantically then weigh in how you feel about him and be honest about it right away as it is complicated to establish friendship when you two want different things. Things would go smoother if it is mutual but that is not always the case.

I think my premise is becoming less and less appealing at this point, considering how complicated the subject has become. But still – ugh, kulit ko I know – girls and guys can be just friends. Perhaps what makes friendship with the opposite sex difficult is the possibility of falling in-love with them but it does not mean to say that it is altogether difficult and impossible. You will end up losing people you could have been great friends with for a long time if you let your prejudices or assumptions get in the way. Be friends with people who feel like home to you, those you are comfortable with and those who interest and inspire you irrespective of their gender or sexual orientation. Screw the rumors.

What happens if it is you who end up liking the guy? You can either risk the friendship by letting him know what you feel about him or you can take a step back and control it, because no matter what these cheesy love songs try to tell us, feelings can be controlled and you can stop yourself from liking someone if you want to. In my opinion, genuine friendship is more valuable than romantic relationships so if it comes to a point when I need to choose between confessing and keeping my sentiments to myself – I will most likely choose the latter even if it seems like a cowardly thing to do. But if you think you like the guy enough to make you want to risk the friendship, then go for it.  It always is a choice you have to make for yourself.

P.S. I just go way off tangent halfway through finishing a topic, don’t I? Sorry about that. I wanted to talk about friendship per se without going into the topic of love and relationships but it was impossible not to touch on the subject even for a bit. I hope I made sense. Haha!

(Credit: the GIF above was taken from this essay)

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