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Bye, 2016!

I think I am ready to move on from all the shit that has happened last year.

Frankly, this draft has been on my phone as early as December. I thought closing last year would be simple: just write about how law school went, your friends and family, the highlights, etc. But as much as I tried to look back to the year behind, all I can recall are blurry images of studying at the library, drinking beer outside with some friends and embarassing recitations in class that I wanted to forget as soon as I sat back to my armchair. In some of the fragments, he was still there: the clandestine meetings, the small fights and the countless times I doubted whether it was right to let go of someone as dedicated to me as he was.

So why write this now?

Nego: the subject I was almost a hundred percent sure I’ll flunk were it not for His goodness and better plans – yes, I passed – and the relief is too much for me to contain that I immediately started continuing this post as soon as I got to my room. Ugh. I still cant believe I passed.

I was never superstitious before and neither was my faith as strong as it is now that I am in law school but I guess when you push people to their capacities you really start laying everything else to the universe and God as well. Today, I am taking this good news as a sign that for whatever doubts and insecurities last semester made me feel, there is the universe telling me to pull myself together and stop sulking like a crybaby for every parakol and bokya recits. The timing for the release of the grade is uncanny because last night was my first recitation under Dean Sundiang and well, the universe decided to punish me for the days I spent slacking over my homework by calling me on a topic that was neither the coverage of the homework for the day nor covered by any of the chapters we discussed so far (earlier today a very sweet blockmate shared that the recit questions are in the G Sundiang Notes which I should get a copy from Ate Jackie at the library, sayang). It was a fair recitation under those circumstances but fair is the last thing I want for my grades right now – I need a freaking miracle.

Sorry, I digress…

Yes, the timing for the release of the grades could not have been more perfect. I guess I needed that sign to hold onto.

I am closing last year with resolve to become better each day. I am closing the semester I had too many bad recitations thus pulling my grades below, the indecisions I made as to him and commiting with him, the times I kept my mouth shut and accepted apologies I deserve but never received. I am closing the passive-aggresiveness and silence which has more often than not prejudiced me. I am closing the sentiments I shouldnt have developed for people I cannot end up liking and the toxic relationships I somehow keep coming back to. No more of that please.

But last year wasnt entirely bad. 2016 was also the year I grew closer with girls and wore more dresses and skirts, tried on shades of lipsticks to school without caving in to the desire to remove it after few seconds. It was also the year I found out that James Reid looks good, that Korean series and dramas revolve around anything around the sun – mermaids and soldiers and babies buying sugar and soysauce in convenience stores – and that my girl friends are probably more obsessed with chocobutternuts than ate and I combined. It was also the year when my sister and friends pulled off the most memorable birthday of my life. My birthday week fell at the same time I constantly crying over my Persons grade (which I successfully got reconsidered, thank goodness) and these people somehow managed to cheer up someone as pessimistic as I am. The sheer amount of sweet messages and help I got from friends that time was overwhelming. Ate took me out to a laid-back and much needed picnic, my girlfriends Areen & Jam surprised me with a chocolate cake while I was cramming some paper in Cubao and John gave me a pen with an engraving of my surname with that coveted prefix Atty. That was the point I realized that I could not have asked for better law school friends. While it took me awhile to get back up from that dull point in my life, it was really a humbling experience to be surrounded by people who believes in me more than I have ever believed in myself.

Hello, 2017. Please be good to me.

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Secrets out

​As of today, all my good friends already know the existence of this blog and frankly, it feels a bit weird. I have been hiding this for the longest time possible but I guess at some point, they will have to know about this shitty blog anyway. At least I would not seeing them any time soon so I still have time to hide and get over the embarassment I am feeling right now.

The thing about blogging is that while I am fully aware that the content of this blog is for the world to see, when I know that people I personally know read everything in here, I feel as if they are looking at me bare and naked: stripped of all layers of walls and distances that I build up from people around me, exposed to their criticism and judgment.

It scares me, really. Because in this blog I have been nothing less than honest and I have written about so many things I would normally keep hidden and unsaid during conversations – even after few bottles of beer. It is like exposing a different version of myself, the one which my good friends may dislike or hate and the one I feel uneasy exposing – and the last thing I want is for people who I hold dear to realize through this blog that they do not wish to be friends with the kind of Tanya in this blog. It becomes a different story altogether when it comes to acceptance or opinion of people who matter to me.

I guess the upside to this is that I no longer have anything to hide from them, right? Therefore, my friends who will keep up with my bullshit after seeing all the drama that this blog hold are indeed people to keep. Ganun nalang.

P.S. shoutout to John who mentioned that I only talked of him once and referred to him as the generic ‘friend‘. You dear will get your cheesy birthday greeting whether you like it or not, don’t worry. I just need to earn a photo with you na wala tayo ni isa, oddly.

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Sick day

​Two hours before the day ends and I have not yet uploaded a content on this blog so please let me apologize in advance if this turns out poorly written and obviously crammed. I did not expect that posting daily would be this difficult but I still want to keep my promise.

I got the flu last night which means that I spent the day in bed trying to regain some strength and be better. Getting sick is the last thing I wanted right now, considering that classes have already started and I know that professors will be assigning loads of cases to be read in the following days. Even the struggle to get up right now is already painful for me so how am I supposed to get up and prepare for tomorrow? Luckily, none of our professors showed up to class yet – so the chances of my other professors attending classes are getting slimmer and slimmer each day.

I hope I am right on this one because aside from the flu, it really is a struggle to get in the zone and start working on all these assigned cases and books during December when the thought of Christmas and going home to the province are all I think about. I am leaving this Sunday so I still have few days to get all the materials I need to bring home – not on my own volition, may I add – and say goodbye to my sister who will not be coming home this year.

I am cutting this entry short. My eyes are shutting off and it almost is midnight anyway. At least I managed to continue with this daily blogging. High five!

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Wala lang

I honestly have nothing interesting to write about but for some reason, my hands have been itching to blog since yesterday – perhaps because of this new-blog excitement I still am getting even after having moved from one blog to another for a couple of years now.

So what do we talk about?

Well, for one there is crimpro. I did not expect any professor to release grades this early considering that we just had our exams last week but kudos to Atty. S for managing to do it despite her hectic schedule. You see, we normally receive our grades when the school year ends so imagine my surprise when my classmates started posting about it on Facebook. I passed but it somehow feels wrong to celebrate as some of my good friends were unfortunate. I am very grateful of course, just not very ecstatic about it. So yeah, one down, five more to go. Hay.

Then there’s Stranger Things. I heard about this show months ago but as always I had to ignore my curiosity over the hype and promise myself not to watch until after the semester has ended. This show has everything that I am looking for in a television series: a 1980 setting, well-thought of thriller story, good actors and characters, plus the soundtrack is amazing! I watch two episodes in a day at most (just finished Episode V: The Acrobat and the Flea this morning) – delaying that inevitable limbo zone one goes through after finishing a good series and looking for another one to watch.

Some snippets of thoughts I am too lazy or too confused to elaborate:

  • A guy offering that he will buy your next coffee is not necessarily a date, is it?
  • Is there such a thing as a coffee prostitute? Like one who will go out for free coffee?
  • I need to enroll tomorrow and class starts at the 7th. Kainis.
  • This short  break would have been the perfect time for me to let my eye rest from reading but I have been constantly looking for good books to read – maybe I should go visit booksales soon.
  • My lips are very fucking dry and it annoys me because I drink a lot of water everyday.
  • A bit embarrassing to admit but I almost installed Steam again on this laptop to play dota. Thankfully dodged that urge because the last thing I need right now is to be addicted over some computer game again.
  • I am no longer on the lookout for a favorite character, sticking with Traxex and her bow starting today.
  • 11:09 is early but I already am out of things to do.
  • Also need to make good of the promise I made to someone from the past. Promises are meant to be fulfilled so I gotta keep my end of the bargain.

Okay, that will do. Good night.

xo

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Hello!

This site is still a work in progress so I am terribly sorry for the messy posts and indecisiveness as to the theme for this blog.

I have not been in WordPress since college and so much has changed. Was it this huge before? I mean, I am squinting right now trying to adjust to this massive screen.

Anyway, today was the last day of our final examinations for this week. We only have one subject left for Tuesday before finally closing this semester so I thought I would take some time off from studying to let my body regain some strength. I swear to God the stress that I had to go through the past couple of days was so tough that I felt like vomiting hours before and after every exam.

Hay, hirap talaga ng 2nd year  but you just gotta do what you have to do, right?

xo

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Robin Scherbatsky

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be just like every other normal girl: the one they write stories and songs about; the type who gets casted in every Nicholas Sparks movie franchise; the sentimental one often chasing over the wrong guys, only to get their heart broken into several pieces in the end.

Do not be fooled though. I know how to love and I have loved too well for the past few years. The difference between I and the girl in sunny dress is that I do not place my heart on my sleeves, wager around things uncertain and painful and optimistically let the feeling solve every crises I see along the way. I can and will let go.

At a very young age I witnessed how letting your feelings get the best of you lead to series of bitterness, arguments and vicious cycles of loving and getting hurt. I barely even started having serious crushes when I swore to myself that I will never let love ruin me or control me in any way, that being a martyr or a hopeless romantic is plain stupidity and that sticking it out til the very end when you know it is becoming painful is the worst decision you can ever make for yourself in the long run.

It is for these very reasons that I find marriage scary, if not totally absurd, because the sanctity of the institution compels you to fight it out together with your husband, in sickness and in health, til death do you part. I am not sure I can do that.

During the last meeting for our Seminar 2 class, our instructor shared how his mom and dad had some issues regarding fidelity on the early years of their marriage. Just like my parents, his own decided to stick together and overcome these problems for him and his siblings. I immediately recalled how mom would have the urge to leave dad whenever they fought badly but would recant at the last minute and tell us the same reason the parents of my instructor had: she does not want us to grow up without a father, she is going to be with dad for us.

I hated it. I hated having my mom compromise just because she has no choice but to have to make it work. I hated being one of the reasons why she and tatay had to endure the sufferings they had to go through. While it is true that my parents are relatively stable today, the picture of my mom sobbing with her eyes red and her pillow drenched in tears is still very vivid to my memory up til now. My father has had his fair share of disappointment and heartaches as well but he hid it better over few bottles of beer and late nights outside our home. The bottomline is, at some point, I saw that they were both very miserable with their lives.

Perhaps many children would really want their parents to reconcile but I was always the one wishing they would get separated instead as it was more painful for me to watch them hurting each other together than living their lives apart. Besides, it affected us eitherway having to grow up in such a depressing cycle.

Thus my vow to never letting love precede over reason.

I know this is probably a little bit soon to say since I do not see myself getting serious with anyone anytime soon but the next person I fall in love with must be willing to accept that I am probably never going to change anymore. I will never be the girl who will chase after you, beg you stay or even throw you sweet gestures here and there just to win you back. I will love you truthfully and will be loyal and as sweet as I can be but please do not take it as an invitation to control me or hurt me because I will leave as soon as I know that I have to. Okay fine, maybe I will give it two or three more tries before really deciding to leave, depending on how much faith I will have in what we have.

Make me love you and I will be yours wholeheartedly. I will probably even cook and write cheesy essays for you. But please never make me choose though because if it comes to a point that I will have to pick between you, my family or dreams, sorry darling but I will let you go.

Never take me for granted as well. No one deserves that.

And when it is all finally over, I will leave a hollow so vast you will despise but symphatize with me at the same time because of how borderline bipolar I will treat you: some days I will try to reason with you and let you see where I am coming from, then some days I will just ignore you altogether or even bitch about what went wrong. I will leave you confused and hurt enough to make you doubt whether you ever knew me or not.

I am not a person worth your time so leave me be, and trust me when I tell you that there will always be countless of better girlfriends out there.

Kapal ng mukha pero iba nalang please. Wag ako.

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Entitled

I was not in Tacloban when Yolanda happened, I was not even home yet, but I have relatives and friends who were unfortunate to have witnessed such devastating calamity – unfortunate because they had to go through something so horrifying but on the other hand, I guess they were so blessed as well to have survived and be given the chance to start over when that storm surge indiscriminately took away thousands of lives. Few months after that, I went back to the province for the first time after my semester in UP Baguio ended and was so disheartened by the state of Tacloban when I arrived: the air was filled with stench I cannot even fully describe, the soil was dark and filled with bits and pieces of garbages, there were infrastructures you can barely call a house, tents and make-shift comfort rooms were scattered everywhere. The city was basically torn into pieces.

And now months after the nightmare, a presidential candidate boasts of his accomplishments in order to secure the votes of the public by highlighting his so-claimed heroic aid to the people of Tacloban during Yolanda in every debates he attends to. What is even worse is that his supporters, or so he denies spearheading the publication, decided to write a comic book glorifying these claimed acts and this presidetiable lauds its supposed accuracy.

If you are truly sensitive to the plight of the victims, how can you even fathom to boast of the help you supposedly gave to Tacloban when it is your job in the first place as the DILG secretary? How can you take advantage of such heartbreaking incident as a campaign propaganda for the national elections to work on your favor?

In the first place, how can you even mention Yolanda when the victims themselves, at least the people from Tacloban that I know, despise the slow and inefficient rehabilatition programs (or lack thereof) of our own government after the storm surge hit the province? Even reports from CNN blatantly mentioned how problematic were the coordination and control of our government in response to the disaster.

But there you are, drawing whichever cards can work in your favor just because you need it. The way you frequently use the storm surge in Presidential debates must have irked a lot of victims I know. You burden them with statistics when the reality they face is far from the numbers you claim. But well good luck to you and your plans – I will be looking forward to the number of votes that the people of Tacloban and the rest of the provinces hit by Yolanda, who are supposedly very appreciative and thankful for your heroism, will be giving you this election.

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