Bad days, Dorm life


The night before I felt different sorts of shame and hatred all at once. Shame for succumbing to fear when I have long supported the causes of women activists, including empowerment, and call myself a feminist even. Shame because I let my aggressor go after he casually held my ass as we walked past each other on the sidewalk. Shame that after having been harrassed before – although not at this humiliating extent – I still ended up freezing and clueless and had no balls to stand up for myself.

I did pause a couple of times though but then I saw the man continue with his walk; his muscles lean and unapologetic, his stride as confident as the hand he used to touch me. Right then I knew I had no chance winning against him and that for all I know he might do something crazier so I decided to run back to my dormitory instead like a defeated little girl.

But the shame came in late, before the self-pity and crying there was anger. I did a lengthy rant about this with my girl friends to warn them not to be fooled by how clean and decent a man can be, because mine looked sharp and harmless until he did… that. I warned them that the streets are still unsafe at this day and age and that you could be wearing a shirt and a jeans and still be a victim of harrasment. All these things I had to be reminded of the hard way. The least I could do for now is to help them through my depressing story. So I cursed the man with every cuss word I know in every language I speak. I wished for him to die in his sleep or on his way home. I prayed for misfortune for all his loved ones.

Nothing felt enough though – because earlier today I still woke up with a heavy heart and a defeated soul. I admittedly am one of those people who just has so much faith and trust with humanity before last night happened but, no more of that – thanks to him the streets scare me now and men scare me even more, thanks to him I will probably spend more time being cautious and wary over people than even considering befriending them instead. I skipped classes today because aside from wanting to study for my other subjects, the thought of stepping outside was something I was not wholly comfortably with.

I hope I will be a litte bit better tomorrow but for now, fuck this messed up world.

Dorm life, Law school

Going solo, again

‚ÄčI have been staying in the same dormitory since last year when I started studying at San Beda Law, located just across UST and a fifteen-minute ride to school. Basically, the place is an all-girl dormitory run by RVM nuns which is the same congregation that Lola Belen belongs to. Obviously, having been raised in a conservative (read: strict) family, this dormitory is the only option that I have.

I had my own room last year but because of my parents’ indecisiveness as to whether I should transfer to a condo unit, I lost my room reservation and had to share a room with two other students for this semester. And though both of my roommates are very nice people and we get along well, I just prefer to have my own room due to the amount of school work that I do on a daily basis; some of my recurring concerns right now are first, that I feel uneasy and sorry for staying up late because my roommates have to bear with the light from my study table and second, I also like to memorize provisions out loud but I obviously can’t do that now that I have roommates. You see, there are a lot of reservations, if not restrictions, on the way we conduct ourselves and behave when you share a room with other people.

Yesterday though, I was told that there was a vacant room on the fourth floor for me to take if I still wanted to move to a solo room, obviously I said yes. So yay! May sariling kwarto na ulit!

I got a little bit carried away and started thinking about decorating my room for good: displaying photos I took from my Instax, setting up some of my favorite artwork in the wall, lining up all my law books and those I collected over the years, putting comftier beds and pillows, lahat na. These are things which I really wanted to do last year when I first moved but I just felt that I was not too convinced of this place yet, that there was no attachment whatsoever or desire to set up something more permanent and thought of, and that I was somehow still hoping to get a bigger room, but this time… I don’t know, maybe I have already come to love this place somehow? Ewan.

So yes, I might shop for room decors and stuff once I transfer to my new room and then start decorating. What a good way to relieve stress.