The night before I felt different sorts of shame and hatred all at once. Shame for succumbing to fear when I have long supported the causes of women activists, including empowerment, and call myself a feminist even. Shame because I let my aggressor go after he casually held my ass as we walked past each other on the sidewalk. Shame that after having been harrassed before – although not at this humiliating extent – I still ended up freezing and clueless and had no balls to stand up for myself.
I did pause a couple of times though but then I saw the man continue with his walk; his muscles lean and unapologetic, his stride as confident as the hand he used to touch me. Right then I knew I had no chance winning against him and that for all I know he might do something crazier so I decided to run back to my dormitory instead like a defeated little girl.
But the shame came in late, before the self-pity and crying there was anger. I did a lengthy rant about this with my girl friends to warn them not to be fooled by how clean and decent a man can be, because mine looked sharp and harmless until he did… that. I warned them that the streets are still unsafe at this day and age and that you could be wearing a shirt and a jeans and still be a victim of harrasment. All these things I had to be reminded of the hard way. The least I could do for now is to help them through my depressing story. So I cursed the man with every cuss word I know in every language I speak. I wished for him to die in his sleep or on his way home. I prayed for misfortune for all his loved ones.
Nothing felt enough though – because earlier today I still woke up with a heavy heart and a defeated soul. I admittedly am one of those people who just has so much faith and trust with humanity before last night happened but, no more of that – thanks to him the streets scare me now and men scare me even more, thanks to him I will probably spend more time being cautious and wary over people than even considering befriending them instead. I skipped classes today because aside from wanting to study for my other subjects, the thought of stepping outside was something I was not wholly comfortably with.
I hope I will be a litte bit better tomorrow but for now, fuck this messed up world.