Bad days, Dorm life

Post-encounter

The night before I felt different sorts of shame and hatred all at once. Shame for succumbing to fear when I have long supported the causes of women activists, including empowerment, and call myself a feminist even. Shame because I let my aggressor go after he casually held my ass as we walked past each other on the sidewalk. Shame that after having been harrassed before – although not at this humiliating extent – I still ended up freezing and clueless and had no balls to stand up for myself.

I did pause a couple of times though but then I saw the man continue with his walk; his muscles lean and unapologetic, his stride as confident as the hand he used to touch me. Right then I knew I had no chance winning against him and that for all I know he might do something crazier so I decided to run back to my dormitory instead like a defeated little girl.

But the shame came in late, before the self-pity and crying there was anger. I did a lengthy rant about this with my girl friends to warn them not to be fooled by how clean and decent a man can be, because mine looked sharp and harmless until he did… that. I warned them that the streets are still unsafe at this day and age and that you could be wearing a shirt and a jeans and still be a victim of harrasment. All these things I had to be reminded of the hard way. The least I could do for now is to help them through my depressing story. So I cursed the man with every cuss word I know in every language I speak. I wished for him to die in his sleep or on his way home. I prayed for misfortune for all his loved ones.

Nothing felt enough though – because earlier today I still woke up with a heavy heart and a defeated soul. I admittedly am one of those people who just has so much faith and trust with humanity before last night happened but, no more of that – thanks to him the streets scare me now and men scare me even more, thanks to him I will probably spend more time being cautious and wary over people than even considering befriending them instead. I skipped classes today because aside from wanting to study for my other subjects, the thought of stepping outside was something I was not wholly comfortably with.

I hope I will be a litte bit better tomorrow but for now, fuck this messed up world.

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Dorm life, Law school

Going solo, again

‚ÄčI have been staying in the same dormitory since last year when I started studying at San Beda Law, located just across UST and a fifteen-minute ride to school. Basically, the place is an all-girl dormitory run by RVM nuns which is the same congregation that Lola Belen belongs to. Obviously, having been raised in a conservative (read: strict) family, this dormitory is the only option that I have.

I had my own room last year but because of my parents’ indecisiveness as to whether I should transfer to a condo unit, I lost my room reservation and had to share a room with two other students for this semester. And though both of my roommates are very nice people and we get along well, I just prefer to have my own room due to the amount of school work that I do on a daily basis; some of my recurring concerns right now are first, that I feel uneasy and sorry for staying up late because my roommates have to bear with the light from my study table and second, I also like to memorize provisions out loud but I obviously can’t do that now that I have roommates. You see, there are a lot of reservations, if not restrictions, on the way we conduct ourselves and behave when you share a room with other people.

Yesterday though, I was told that there was a vacant room on the fourth floor for me to take if I still wanted to move to a solo room, obviously I said yes. So yay! May sariling kwarto na ulit!

I got a little bit carried away and started thinking about decorating my room for good: displaying photos I took from my Instax, setting up some of my favorite artwork in the wall, lining up all my law books and those I collected over the years, putting comftier beds and pillows, lahat na. These are things which I really wanted to do last year when I first moved but I just felt that I was not too convinced of this place yet, that there was no attachment whatsoever or desire to set up something more permanent and thought of, and that I was somehow still hoping to get a bigger room, but this time… I don’t know, maybe I have already come to love this place somehow? Ewan.

So yes, I might shop for room decors and stuff once I transfer to my new room and then start decorating. What a good way to relieve stress.

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