I didnt want to call this depression/ ‘thought it was normal/ To be tired on a constant basis/ To look for temporary happiness in little things like memes/ The number of likes these faux friends give to the photos that try to mask how unrewarding it really is to live/ To miss people I decided to leave and fill up the vacuum I created for myself with uninteresting men/ To regret the mistakes and relive each one of them through the nightmares I make/ But then 1am hits and I lay in bed/ Typing down my thoughts in my futile attempt to feel better/ Repeating to myself “youre not depressed”/ “Tomorrow will be different”/ “Maybe you just need an extra hour of sleep” or “lessen the caffeine”/ Until the words feel true and you go on with your life/ Have you ever wondered though/ How many lies do we tell ourselves to survive?
I honestly have no time to do write this right now but I feel like I have to – just so I can finally clear up my thoughts and focus with the loads of cases I have to read. Hence, the title of this post.
My life has drastically changed since February came. It started with the unfortunate and sudden death of my uncle which sent our family nothing but grief and shock. I remember those sudden bursts of emotions; the crying, the resolve to act tough whenever I had to visit relatives and accompany my grandmother in attending to the burial preparations of uncle, and how physically tiresome it was for me to go on visits and attend to my lessons at the same time.
Unfortunately, I ended up not being able to attend his interment though, which honestly felt totally unfair for my part considering all the efforts and visits I willingly gave uncle for that span of time when we were still waiting for his body to arrive from the US up to his wake, because I had flu that day and my parents told to rest instead so I wouldnt miss my exam the following day.
I guess part of me wished I went nonetheless. To a certain extent, burials are closures for the ones left behind, especially for those who still cant fully grasp how our loved one left so early. And I needed that that closure so much.
Then there was the conflicts of law tournament too, immediately followed by our midterms exams the next day. Theres not much to say about this part of my month though except for the fact that it all happened at a fast succession, and at one point the burial overlapped with my preparation for the labor exams, that I never even had the luxury to stop and assess how I was faring. It felt like a constant struggle to chase lessons after lessons while trying to bottle up unwanted sentiments in the meantime.
I still cant believe how I managed to survive after all those event.
The latter part of the month still had me drowning over backlogs but at least it was for a good reason. I honestly want to speak more of this part of my life just so this post wouldnt be as depressing as it already is – but I dont want to risk my stay in school as well – for the slim chance that some stranger reading this blog might understand what I am trying to talk about and sell me off. I would be lying if I say that all the change isnt making the nerd and anti-social in me freak out but just like any other human, I try my best to cope. I feel very thankful though for having met so many kind people over these past few days who made this point of the year so much better; and relieved as well, because I know I made the right choice and found the right company I was secretly hoping for.
Anyway, going back to my depressing and sad self… I wish this is a figure of speech but I tend to forget how to breathe lately – like the inhale and exhale sequence, which is odd. I only realize that I am holding my breathe when my chest starts to ache from the shortage of air. How did I end up forgetting something so natural though? I guess this is my arrythmia making her dramatic return, not sure but I hope not, or maybe the caffeine.
I still have lots of shit on my mind but I guess this will do for now.
The night before I felt different sorts of shame and hatred all at once. Shame for succumbing to fear when I have long supported the causes of women activists, including empowerment, and call myself a feminist even. Shame because I let my aggressor go after he casually held my ass as we walked past each other on the sidewalk. Shame that after having been harrassed before – although not at this humiliating extent – I still ended up freezing and clueless and had no balls to stand up for myself.
I did pause a couple of times though but then I saw the man continue with his walk; his muscles lean and unapologetic, his stride as confident as the hand he used to touch me. Right then I knew I had no chance winning against him and that for all I know he might do something crazier so I decided to run back to my dormitory instead like a defeated little girl.
But the shame came in late, before the self-pity and crying there was anger. I did a lengthy rant about this with my girl friends to warn them not to be fooled by how clean and decent a man can be, because mine looked sharp and harmless until he did… that. I warned them that the streets are still unsafe at this day and age and that you could be wearing a shirt and a jeans and still be a victim of harrasment. All these things I had to be reminded of the hard way. The least I could do for now is to help them through my depressing story. So I cursed the man with every cuss word I know in every language I speak. I wished for him to die in his sleep or on his way home. I prayed for misfortune for all his loved ones.
Nothing felt enough though – because earlier today I still woke up with a heavy heart and a defeated soul. I admittedly am one of those people who just has so much faith and trust with humanity before last night happened but, no more of that – thanks to him the streets scare me now and men scare me even more, thanks to him I will probably spend more time being cautious and wary over people than even considering befriending them instead. I skipped classes today because aside from wanting to study for my other subjects, the thought of stepping outside was something I was not wholly comfortably with.
I hope I will be a litte bit better tomorrow but for now, fuck this messed up world.