I think I am ready to move on from all the shit that has happened last year.
Frankly, this draft has been on my phone as early as December. I thought closing last year would be simple: just write about how law school went, your friends and family, the highlights, etc. But as much as I tried to look back to the year behind, all I can recall are blurry images of studying at the library, drinking beer outside with some friends and embarassing recitations in class that I wanted to forget as soon as I sat back to my armchair. In some of the fragments, he was still there: the clandestine meetings, the small fights and the countless times I doubted whether it was right to let go of someone as dedicated to me as he was.
So why write this now?
Nego: the subject I was almost a hundred percent sure I’ll flunk were it not for His goodness and better plans – yes, I passed – and the relief is too much for me to contain that I immediately started continuing this post as soon as I got to my room. Ugh. I still cant believe I passed.
I was never superstitious before and neither was my faith as strong as it is now that I am in law school but I guess when you push people to their capacities you really start laying everything else to the universe and God as well. Today, I am taking this good news as a sign that for whatever doubts and insecurities last semester made me feel, there is the universe telling me to pull myself together and stop sulking like a crybaby for every parakol and bokya recits. The timing for the release of the grade is uncanny because last night was my first recitation under Dean Sundiang and well, the universe decided to punish me for the days I spent slacking over my homework by calling me on a topic that was neither the coverage of the homework for the day nor covered by any of the chapters we discussed so far (earlier today a very sweet blockmate shared that the recit questions are in the G Sundiang Notes which I should get a copy from Ate Jackie at the library, sayang). It was a fair recitation under those circumstances but fair is the last thing I want for my grades right now – I need a freaking miracle.
Sorry, I digress…
Yes, the timing for the release of the grades could not have been more perfect. I guess I needed that sign to hold onto.
I am closing last year with resolve to become better each day. I am closing the semester I had too many bad recitations thus pulling my grades below, the indecisions I made as to him and commiting with him, the times I kept my mouth shut and accepted apologies I deserve but never received. I am closing the passive-aggresiveness and silence which has more often than not prejudiced me. I am closing the sentiments I shouldnt have developed for people I cannot end up liking and the toxic relationships I somehow keep coming back to. No more of that please.
But last year wasnt entirely bad. 2016 was also the year I grew closer with girls and wore more dresses and skirts, tried on shades of lipsticks to school without caving in to the desire to remove it after few seconds. It was also the year I found out that James Reid looks good, that Korean series and dramas revolve around anything around the sun – mermaids and soldiers and babies buying sugar and soysauce in convenience stores – and that my girl friends are probably more obsessed with chocobutternuts than ate and I combined. It was also the year when my sister and friends pulled off the most memorable birthday of my life. My birthday week fell at the same time I constantly crying over my Persons grade (which I successfully got reconsidered, thank goodness) and these people somehow managed to cheer up someone as pessimistic as I am. The sheer amount of sweet messages and help I got from friends that time was overwhelming. Ate took me out to a laid-back and much needed picnic, my girlfriends Areen & Jam surprised me with a chocolate cake while I was cramming some paper in Cubao and John gave me a pen with an engraving of my surname with that coveted prefix Atty. That was the point I realized that I could not have asked for better law school friends. While it took me awhile to get back up from that dull point in my life, it was really a humbling experience to be surrounded by people who believes in me more than I have ever believed in myself.
Hello, 2017. Please be good to me.