Law school, Letters, Love

Impasse

 ​1

I dont like it when people stare at me so for the most part of my life I pretend not to see people and friends along the way and bow my head down when I walk on the sideways or in any crowded place just to avoid that split second eye contact. Some take me for a snob, easily spitting words as if it doesnt hurt or bother me, but I just laugh it off since I was never really the type to dismiss and correct what others think about me. Besides, who wouldnt want their social-akwardness be taken for snobbing?

But we have shared so many split seconds of stares at the library when we pass at each other or even some instances when I will chance upon you looking at me, that I felt it has become a habit – perhaps even an obligation – to recognize your presence which I surprisingly dont find irritating, but which I find weird because we dont know each other – unless we have met before?

I dont even know your name. I just know you must like studying at the library too, always sitting on the same spot, surrounded by your friends and on some days, with another girl who is probably your girlfriend.

2

We hugged the last time we saw each other and you pinched my cheeks like some neighborhood kid you havent seen for awhile. You told me that you left your job to move to the city soon. You didnt like how slow progress is in the province, and you felt that your engineering degree can do more than constructing roads and buildings for our town. Ambitious, perhaps a little too cocky, but I like that part about you.

You took me home when my dad started to call me at ten in the evening with the rest of the gang. We sang Maroon 5 songs on our drive home, occasionally sharing embarrasing high school stories and updates about the rest of our batchmates. At that point I realized how I missed high school so much and thanked God for having friends I am comfortable being with. That includes you, of course.

Few days later you sent me a message over Facebook. You said you wanted to see me and that you miss me, followed by some wide-eyed emojis and a blushing smiley. I was honestly taken aback by the sense of urgency in a message as straightforward as that but I didnt want to make a big deal out of it so I just said sure, maybe I can finally meet your long-term girlfriend as well the next time we hangout and that I miss you too, even if I honestly didnt.

Before waiting for your next reply, I bid good bye, using my loads of assignment as an excuse to end the conversation.

3

I feel like he should be a part of this. So here we go with another letter I will never send.

For whatever bitterness and constant push and pulls that we made out of our breakup, you deserve to be here more than anyone else. I hoped to write about stories that will never progress, tangents that will never meet. This tangent had a name, I think so. But for my lack of interest in mathematics, of course I forgot what that was. And you know how much I hate using figures of speech anyway.

You are different from the rest of these people I wrote about. We met and we fell in love and at one point I was pretty sure we could have ended up getting married. Next month would have been our fifth anniversary or sixth, maybe.

Now that I think about it, you havent been sending messages anymore. Maybe you grew tired of how I stopped responding to the messages you sent after our last chat just before the holidays. It was the night after we went out to watch a movie and the things we talked about got dragged too far that words we shouldnt have said came out. I am done apologizing for being honest though and I am done with clandestine meetings to see if we still have a shot at redemption, we dont, and we got to stop.

Maybe at a certain degree, we reached an impassé as well.

While you came close to my life and stayed for quite some time, you and I just came to a point when it was impossible not to ask ourselves if what we felt for each other is strong enough to embrace what we went through, what we were going through and what we will go through in the future; a point when I started feeling that you only realize how much you love me when I leave and that our relationship was too heavy for me to bear when the stress in law school was in itself difficult already.

You see, staying in a relationship is a choice we get to make for ourselves after answering one thing: is this love I have for you enough to make me endure everything else? And I think that was when we hit the high wall.

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