I’m not sure how to write this one. I have not even started saying anything yet but my tears are already very eager to pour, my hands trembling, the pain in my chest is slowly consuming me once more.
Please, unless you genuinely care, stop reading this right now. This is the lowest point in my life so far and I would not want a stranger dwell on my sorrow. I know that this blog is for the world to see but please let this one be an exception – grant me some privacy for tonight – because the thing is, I failed my Persons and Family Relations. And I want to write about it for the slim chance that this will ease the burden.
Yesterday my blockmate shared that our professor already released our grades and as much as I was nervous to open my account, I wanted as well to see the fruits of one cruel semester under one of the most followed lawyers in the country on social media. I did not even hesitate checking my grades immediately.
That was a terrible mistake for my part.
I immediately noticed the “failed” remark. I had to relog countless of times, ignoring the futility of what I was doing, just to make sure I was seeing the right grade.
After six or more tries, I just had to stop.
I did fail. I did get a 73.
It took less than three seconds to see the results my sleepless nights of studying, memorizing the provisions of the family code and anticipating quizzes and recitation. It took less than three seconds to realize that I will never get to the dean’s list that I have been secretly working so hard for, even the scholastic awards I was ambitiously hoping to offer my parents someday. It took less than three seconds to feel shitty about making my parents suffer so much for a failing grade, for thinking I am special and can achieve great things if I just give it my all – no Tanya, the world is cruel and you were the biggest fool to think that people will give you what you think you think you deserve. Stupid. Putang inang tanga.
My friends have been trying to console me and I am very grateful for it but I would be lying if I say that I am okay or that I am slowly going to move forward. I see a lot of emotional breakdowns ahead, to be honest. This is not going to be easy.
How does one pick herself up after realizing that whatever efforts you put in, your fate still lies on the hand of your professors? That no matter what you do, the world just cannot go the way you pray it would? That all your sacrifices are insignificant to someone else? Why even bother studying, right? I might as well stop now since there is a possibility that I would not be in this school next year.
Lord, I have never felt this cheated and helpless in my entire life. I want to trust in Your plans but no matter how hard I try to see this in a different light, my soul and will is just so crushed. I do not know where to go from here, how to pick myself up, what to tell my parents. I cannot even focus on my lessons for tomorrow and considering that the final examination is fast approaching makes me feel even more afraid.
Someday I hope I realize the reason for this pathetic point in my law school life but for now, let me dwell on this agony.