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Robin Scherbatsky

Sometimes I wonder how it feels to be just like every other normal girl: the one they write stories and songs about; the type who gets casted in every Nicholas Sparks movie franchise; the sentimental one often chasing over the wrong guys, only to get their heart broken into several pieces in the end.

Do not be fooled though. I know how to love and I have loved too well for the past few years. The difference between I and the girl in sunny dress is that I do not place my heart on my sleeves, wager around things uncertain and painful and optimistically let the feeling solve every crises I see along the way. I can and will let go.

At a very young age I witnessed how letting your feelings get the best of you lead to series of bitterness, arguments and vicious cycles of loving and getting hurt. I barely even started having serious crushes when I swore to myself that I will never let love ruin me or control me in any way, that being a martyr or a hopeless romantic is plain stupidity and that sticking it out til the very end when you know it is becoming painful is the worst decision you can ever make for yourself in the long run.

It is for these very reasons that I find marriage scary, if not totally absurd, because the sanctity of the institution compels you to fight it out together with your husband, in sickness and in health, til death do you part. I am not sure I can do that.

During the last meeting for our Seminar 2 class, our instructor shared how his mom and dad had some issues regarding fidelity on the early years of their marriage. Just like my parents, his own decided to stick together and overcome these problems for him and his siblings. I immediately recalled how mom would have the urge to leave dad whenever they fought badly but would recant at the last minute and tell us the same reason the parents of my instructor had: she does not want us to grow up without a father, she is going to be with dad for us.

I hated it. I hated having my mom compromise just because she has no choice but to have to make it work. I hated being one of the reasons why she and tatay had to endure the sufferings they had to go through. While it is true that my parents are relatively stable today, the picture of my mom sobbing with her eyes red and her pillow drenched in tears is still very vivid to my memory up til now. My father has had his fair share of disappointment and heartaches as well but he hid it better over few bottles of beer and late nights outside our home. The bottomline is, at some point, I saw that they were both very miserable with their lives.

Perhaps many children would really want their parents to reconcile but I was always the one wishing they would get separated instead as it was more painful for me to watch them hurting each other together than living their lives apart. Besides, it affected us eitherway having to grow up in such a depressing cycle.

Thus my vow to never letting love precede over reason.

I know this is probably a little bit soon to say since I do not see myself getting serious with anyone anytime soon but the next person I fall in love with must be willing to accept that I am probably never going to change anymore. I will never be the girl who will chase after you, beg you stay or even throw you sweet gestures here and there just to win you back. I will love you truthfully and will be loyal and as sweet as I can be but please do not take it as an invitation to control me or hurt me because I will leave as soon as I know that I have to. Okay fine, maybe I will give it two or three more tries before really deciding to leave, depending on how much faith I will have in what we have.

Make me love you and I will be yours wholeheartedly. I will probably even cook and write cheesy essays for you. But please never make me choose though because if it comes to a point that I will have to pick between you, my family or dreams, sorry darling but I will let you go.

Never take me for granted as well. No one deserves that.

And when it is all finally over, I will leave a hollow so vast you will despise but symphatize with me at the same time because of how borderline bipolar I will treat you: some days I will try to reason with you and let you see where I am coming from, then some days I will just ignore you altogether or even bitch about what went wrong. I will leave you confused and hurt enough to make you doubt whether you ever knew me or not.

I am not a person worth your time so leave me be, and trust me when I tell you that there will always be countless of better girlfriends out there.

Kapal ng mukha pero iba nalang please. Wag ako.

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