This is how I’ll remember you

I guess it’s about time I write about what happened between us.

No, this isn’t going to be a heart-wrenching story of two individuals who decided to end their relationship when everyone else insisted that they were meant for each other. This is not going to be one of those letters where I angrily blame you for everything, despise all the men in the world for being such a douche, and vow to an eternal promise of never loving again – that is not how I want to remember you; that is not how I will remember us.

I want to remember you for who you are and who you were to me. I want to remember you as the man who patiently took care of me for more than a week after I caught measles, preparing my food and making sure I take my medicine on time, risking your own health for hugging me despite my objections.  I want to remember you as the man who went to my place in Scout Barrio late at night, sobbing, asking for forgiveness after we had our first huge fight. I want to remember you as the man who I went to night markets with, the man I visited local bookstores with, the man I went to art museums with, the man I celebrated every Panagbenga with. I want to remember how your family accepted me, how I loved them so much as well, and how thankful I am for ‘earning’ another family I knew I could rely onto.

Cedric, you were such a good boyfriend and I probably have lost sight of it most of the time. The years that we have been together were so beautiful and real that perhaps the changes that we had to take were not something we were ready to face. We used to be each other’s comfort zone, being the kids we were, so when it was time we had to start seeking our dreams we both got lost and confused.

For the last time, I’m sorry. I guess the core of all the problems which led to our breakup was truly because of me, because I got so engrossed chasing my dreams, fearful of disappointing the people relying on me, that I took you for granted. There is no more point in trying to explain my side because the bottom line is, as much as I have tried my best to, nagkulang ako. Nagkulang akong ipadama kung gano kita kamahal, nakalimot sa lahat ng pinagdaanan nating magkasama; sumuko, umayaw, bumitaw. I admit all the mistakes you pointed at that I kept shunning the day we broke up and I truly understand and respect the decisions that went with it afterwards.

They say that the saddest thing in the world is when two people who love each other so much lose sight of that love, give up, and decide to end it. But you know what they missed? They forgot that loving another does not always entail owning them, or being with them; they forgot how love conquering everything is sometimes just an empty cliché – because I could have chased you and asked you back but the truth is, my circumstances right now cannot handle the commitment that you deserve.

I do not want you to compromise and forgive me for every dates I cancel, every messages I cannot send, every anniversaries I will have to miss because of some serious commitment. I do not want you to hate me every time you feel like I am becoming a different person, someone foreign and odd to you. I do not want you to see me burst into tears every time I crack down with all the weight on my shoulder. I do not want you to take all the anger and frustrations that I have and carry them with you. And most importantly, I do not want you to feel unloved and uncared for.  You don’t deserve that.

You deserve to be loved day and night, endlessly and tirelessly. You deserve to have someone willing to skip anything important just to see you when you feel down. You deserve to be looked at like you are the only thing in the world that matters. You deserve someone who will hold your hand so tightly, someone will never let go, even if it things become painful. They say that such kind of love is childish and all people have to grow up at some point but believe me, you are still too young to settle.

I want you to be happy so I am letting you go.

Cedric, I will remember our more than four years of being together as one of the happiest years of my life and I hope that you do as well. I hope that whatever life brings you, you will look back into that time when someone like me came into your life and it will make you smile. Thank you so much for loving me, my teddy bear.


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