On dreams and doubts

Sometimes, I cannot help but envy the people who have it easy figuring out what they want to do with their lives; they find one and they stick to it forever or they realize it early in their lives. It is tough, always. It is tough reconsidering the options and possibilities, and thinking if you can do it and more importantly if you actually want to do it.

During my Polsci160 class earlier today, my friend Neil and I somehow ended up talking about what our plans after college are. He said that he was probably going to medical school if he said he will be able to appreciate the natural sciences such as chemistry and biology. It was a good choice for him actually, considering that his thesis topic and thus interest was on medical anthropology which for those who cannot reconcile the two seemingly opposite fields is actually really plausible; diseases are always imbued with social factors. After that I thought that going to medical school would make my mom really proud and that maybe I should consider it but that thought didn’t last long, there is absolutely no way I am studying chemistry at the least.

That was then when I realized how indecisive I am. If you recall (or have read, in the first place) one of my earlier rants in this blog, you might remember me wanting to study abroad for a Master’s degree in the field of anthropology, either on visual anthropology or sociolinguistics. You also might recall me saying things like wanting conduct researches and teach in a university.

Well I do want to become a researcher and a professor but I really do not know if I can, if I am up for the challenge. The professors who I look up to are seriously smart and it is sometimes so overwhelming to even stand near them that it makes me wonder if I can be like them too.

Second, it takes a lot of time and money studying for two other degrees. I am not from a wealthy family and I still have siblings in school so it will definitely be a burden to my parents supporting me through graduate school. It would have been easier if I can get assistance through a scholarship program but my grades do not even look promising at the least and I know that there are hundreds and thousands of far more intelligent students than I am. So that is why if there is any kid is reading this blog, let me tell you this: grades do not define you but nonetheless, it is important. My grades are average-ish, like around 2.0 and I know that it isn’t all that bad considering that the standards of my university is pretty high but it gets tough out there and so if you can push yourself harder, do so. The chances of me getting admitted to a university abroad are very slim, I think. Sad.

(Wow, this is seriously long. Forgive me.)

Lastly, I cannot really decide because there are conflicting interests within me and the problem with that is there is no clear and absolute interest that supersedes the rest. It keeps fluctuating from time to time that sometimes I do not even want to think about it anymore. But then I see my classmates and friends starting to walk to the path towards their dreams and it makes me rethink everything again. I feel like I am getting left behind somehow.

And yesterday, I was watching a series and the protagonist was having the same problems that I am having now: she also cannot find that one career that she wants. Her friend told her that choosing a career is not actually something that you can control, it just comes at you- like falling in love. But then I thought, would it not be problematic waiting and waiting for something, someone? What if it comes too late in my life, what am I supposed to do then? Or what if it never comes at all?


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