Pre-exam jitters

Whenever faced by serious (read: academic) challenges, I often wonder if these will all be worth it in the future- will I land my dream job? Will I be able to help my family? Will I have the surplus time and money to visit the places I have long wanted to see? Do I at least get a place of my own?

I wish I can at least take a peek at my life 10 years from now so I have something grand to hold on to. Even if I see myself ending up in a distasteful job serving some capitalist corporate bullcrap or even if it turns out well for me, at least I will have something to look forward to and a reason to strive for the better.

Ignorance is never really bliss.

To be honest, I am feeling all sorts of pressures right now and I don’t think I am handling it well. My family and perhaps all the relative that I know seem to expect too much from me. I have so many things to consult with them but not only am I embarrassed for being such a disappointment having all sorts of problems, I also know that they have troubles of their own. Especially my mom, having lost her beloved brother just a month ago. I don’t also know if I can talk to my sister with matters like this one- I mean, it’s trivial and it doesn’t really concern her so I’m not sure whether I can still talk to her about how I am doing, she has a cute little kid of her own now that needs her hundred percent attention.

Friends? No, it’s embarrassing. Boyfriend? He has inner battles to confront too.

People may hate me from saying this, but sometimes I wish I went for a different school. Somewhere with lesser pressures and expectations- and by that I do not mean to offend any individual or institution. It’s just that being labeled as taga-UP, while having brought me and my family tremendous happiness, has also caused me too much anxiety. More painful than the labels itself is the experience within the university- and I am looking at and blaming you, my pile of papers to read and thesis to revise.

I swear I was up for all the challenge ‘til now. May The Force guide me.


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